wow...i was one fucked up kid. i read my old posts & reminise about the past..and i literally cried..so many guys hurt me back then...its a miracle that i'm not fucked up mentally..geez

but now...im 22 :) mature..as some would say lol

i came on here bc i was watching millionaire matchmaker..& there was this super sweet introverted guy...super cute & tall..that reminded me of Nigel..so i went on facebook & friend requested him..then i got to thinking and remembered that i hated this kid...(wanted to make a swap meet outta me..w him & his best friend uhhh not havin it) gross..& this is the kid i swear i shoulda lost my virginity to..wtf..wtf...but then i think about how probably a year or 2 ago..i was on my myspace (which is deleted) looking thru old mail in my inbox..& Nigel had sent me this super sweet email thanking me for bringing him cupcakes & candles to celebrate his bday...wayyy back in the day...(bc he was down here for school & his fam was up north...YEAH im the SWEETEST girl) & that makes me forget how he basically wanted me to give him & his friend head...interchangibly..ugh whatever fuck it..that was the past right? i mean i can't dewell on it or its just going to piss me off or make me cry...

& besides i have Mark now..(& to make things BETTER..we're fighting @ the moment) boys are whatever to me.

honestly i have the heart of a single girl..u kno? i have a flirtacious nature about me...& what can i say...the white boys want a piece of this special dark chocolate..haha

whatever its like you have crushes on ppl from work bc ur around them so much that you become attracted to them..bc ur around them so much lol but then you think about the reality of a workplace hookup & you GAG lmao

idk boys are d-bags...especially in the restaurant industry...im telling you ur not going to find mr.right among these guys

it doesnt matter neway..i want..a guy (if i was single) to just hook up w me...to just want a relationship we me..to just want ME period..no other hook ups or drama..bc sharing a guy...unknowingly w other girls..is another GAG factor...fucking disgusting

neway. i think the only reason im up is bc i havent talked to mark all day..in it really bothers me..but its on me so whatever..its like this: last week was my bday so hes all super duper sweet almost everyday of the week...& then boom its sunday & he wants to be a complete & utter douche bag? wtf...naww thats not goin down...fuck that ur cut off..& thats what im doing..cutting him off..silent treatment..(yes i know...reeeeal mature natasha real mature)

but its the only thing that gets his fucking attn to tell him that im REALLLLLY pissed off mr.

i shouldnt even be up..i have class in about 4 and a 1/2 hrs..but im reeeealy contemplating skipping...bc im sick..*cough cough* but i really am getting the symptoms..dont ask me why..

grr..

well hopefully ill look back on this & be like "wow...im not fucked up nemore..im a normal [insert age] girl now"


hopefully :)

if food makes you feel "better" i think thats a problem...

my 21st bday is coming

n i am sooooooooooooo excited

eee!

possibly...me & my bf...always get it massive fights on a full moon...tonight. not so much.

who's the person you complain to about you're bf when ur bf is the only person you talk to?

fuck my life.

i want to be victoria's secret angel

please Jesus please Jesus please!!!

lol

♥

there is a point in life when you just want to give up

on everything

& at this point i have realized that i have great friends

NOT

seriously...do i even have friends...i feel like the only person i'm close to is my boyfriend...& that is not by choice

i love my girls..but they're so distant...we're not on the same page it seems

[it's been forever...well 93weeks since i've written on this damn thing]

& i feel lonely

i go on facebook. nothing

myspace. nothing

not that comments = friendship but...i am definitely not feelin the love. ya get me?

it's just hard ya know...the girls used to be blowin up the telephono like no tomorrow askin for advice...i used to LOVE that...it makes you feel special to realize that someone values your opinion...

now the only opinions i value are cosmo mag & tv.

those are my friends...never let me down. always there when i need um

next thing i want to befriend are cigs...gross i kno...but i'm craving that menthal flavor i taste when i'm drunk...xtremely drunk...& i decide to smoke a ciggy...& it feels so good in my throat...a pack of menthal camals..blue & black...i want one right now.

but for what? i don't fucking smoke. ha

goals:
work @ MAC cosmetics
get everyones xmas present
get good grades this semester

i think these things can happen

well time to do a diy facial

<333

&&& i want to be beautiful

...stupid & childish yes...

BUT

i do miss my boyfriend even though he's been gone for one day.

saw Factory girl last night...

i wish i was Edie...when she was @ the top of the world..everyones idol. Andy Warhol's besfriend & muse.

to be a muse!

"oh...i'd just be naked all the time" i told Sharon...lol

sometimes i think about throwing my futures away...& taking hardcore drugs...

don't you?

i wish i wasn't such a fucking idiot.

i found this on postsecret.com




& bitch

you took the words right outta my mouth.

so people put on this fake facade so that you can trust them...then sleep w/ them...then be nuthing to them...

it happens all the time

ur a sweetheart really you are...but i knew...i knew...i knew...u just wanted sum ass...

yes yes yes...i'm a beautiful girl...but thats all you want from me...

ya know?

sex is complex.

too complex.

it fucks w/ ur emotions...like a drug...

it makes you say and do things that lead to one amazing two second climax

all fake.

fake. fake. fake.

i hate you..and the things you do to me [sex]

yet i love the attention & sweet things that happen before & after you.

ya know?

slut?

yeah.

whore?

maybe.

then my friends are disappointed.

& my family.

& it broke.

what do i do...?

ur probably reading this & are like...wtf is Natasha talking about..

err..i'm a mess...a tangled mangled jangled mess.

i want LOVE.

thats it.

yes...i look for it in all the wrong places...i found u while i was HIGH as a kite...k-i-t-e...flying away..so high...(not LOVE but him)

& he was sweet...he IS sweet...he says things...and yeah...i told everyone he was my BF..

LIE.

he wants to keep it on thee DL & see where it goes from there...ok..wtf?

basically..he's saying..."i want the sexxx..and ur body..but i don't want people to kno"

yup.

& i continuously go back...b/c...he's sweet...super sweet.

but its FAKE. i know its fake.

& damn

that just

breaks
my
heart

into millions of pieces..it makes me wanna run away...yeah from you...from everything

b/c what everyone is saying to me...is true..& i HATE the TRUTH b/c..i live in LIES...

splendid splendid lies...that wreck relationships

just lets be drunk...or high...or anything..all the time...to get away from it all...

but,

when i'm drunk or high...

all you want is

SEX

& ur more likely to get it in that current state of mind.

hunger...has left me...

all i wanna do. is. leave.

leave.

LEAVE

not just leave but escape...

is this what depression looks like?

cuz i'm not depressed..

well

a lil

just hurt.

HURT

love will never find me.

& if it does..

i won't believe it.

it's all just a coy.

a coy to get laid

by a black girl.

i'm a game.

i'm the only black girl most white guys have been with.

so..who's next?

...life sunddenly turns to shit.

pure & otter bullshit.

i'm soo effing happy!!!

i got a job @ hollister n Uno's.

hell yeah.

fuck yeah!

n i like someone...weird...lol

but he's leavin on the 17th...boo hoo...

but we've been having so much fun these past coupla days!

its amazing! lmao

♥ a glass of orange juice
♥ cereal straight out the box
♥ sunglasses
♥ sunshine
♥ sunrise n sunsets
♥ jeans
♥ SHARON+++
♥ my girls
♥ my PEBL
♥ my nano

n i'm straight for life...

sex
(+) plus
life

just>>moves>>too>>fast

♥

btw my day rocked!

-saw the sunrise (w/ derek +++)
-ate mMcdonalds
-slept on the beach
-saw dolphins!!!
-n a jellyship (touched it too!)
-3+3 + 3x3 lmao
-got my #'s back on my phone
-got the new harry potter

don't panic - coldplay
caring is creepy - the shins
in the waiting line- zero 7
new slang - the shin
one of these things first - nick drake
let go - frou frou
lebanese blonde - thievery corporation

all i listen to all day everyday...makes me think of
-derek
-touching
-kissing
-sunny days
-pictures
-the movie
-the couch
-happiness

i'm happy ♥
no lies.
i'm scared too.
thats a lie.
i'm a good liar and you had no clue ♥.
music is the love of my life.

...oh.my.god...the first time i see it up close n personal...i put it in my mouth...(hey...it's what i do)

it's true...my life IS a tradegy...and
so
are
you!

everythings different now and I don't.know.why.
♥

i'm 18 n nuthins changed...i'm stil grounded..still rebelling...still a virgin..still sober...what the fuck...all my friends are away...n i have a myspace..now..it's my addiction..but..all these cute artsy amazingly beautiful people r on it...n i'm just blah...i need 2 take sum pixx...n get artsy...i cut my hair...so choppy..u luv it..ahh..i'm so discheveled....sad..bleh..angry..fuck the world..cuz no one fuckin wants me..luvs me like the notebook..i want that..i want it i want it i want it NOW...lmao..

hit it up like a bong>>>>myspace.com/canusaythatshott<<<<