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nowadays

wow...i was one fucked up kid. i read my old posts & reminise about the past..and i literally cried..so many guys hurt me back then...its a miracle that i'm not fucked up mentally..geez

but now...im 22 :) mature..as some would say lol

i came on here bc i was watching millionaire matchmaker..& there was this super sweet introverted guy...super cute & tall..that reminded me of Nigel..so i went on facebook & friend requested him..then i got to thinking and remembered that i hated this kid...(wanted to make a swap meet outta me..w him & his best friend uhhh not havin it) gross..& this is the kid i swear i shoulda lost my virginity to..wtf..wtf...but then i think about how probably a year or 2 ago..i was on my myspace (which is deleted) looking thru old mail in my inbox..& Nigel had sent me this super sweet email thanking me for bringing him cupcakes & candles to celebrate his bday...wayyy back in the day...(bc he was down here for school & his fam was up north...YEAH im the SWEETEST girl) & that makes me forget how he basically wanted me to give him & his friend head...interchangibly..ugh whatever fuck it..that was the past right? i mean i can't dewell on it or its just going to piss me off or make me cry...

& besides i have Mark now..(& to make things BETTER..we're fighting @ the moment) boys are whatever to me.

honestly i have the heart of a single girl..u kno? i have a flirtacious nature about me...& what can i say...the white boys want a piece of this special dark chocolate..haha

whatever its like you have crushes on ppl from work bc ur around them so much that you become attracted to them..bc ur around them so much lol but then you think about the reality of a workplace hookup & you GAG lmao

idk boys are d-bags...especially in the restaurant industry...im telling you ur not going to find mr.right among these guys

it doesnt matter neway..i want..a guy (if i was single) to just hook up w me...to just want a relationship we me..to just want ME period..no other hook ups or drama..bc sharing a guy...unknowingly w other girls..is another GAG factor...fucking disgusting

neway. i think the only reason im up is bc i havent talked to mark all day..in it really bothers me..but its on me so whatever..its like this: last week was my bday so hes all super duper sweet almost everyday of the week...& then boom its sunday & he wants to be a complete & utter douche bag? wtf...naww thats not goin down...fuck that ur cut off..& thats what im doing..cutting him off..silent treatment..(yes i know...reeeeal mature natasha real mature)

but its the only thing that gets his fucking attn to tell him that im REALLLLLY pissed off mr.

i shouldnt even be up..i have class in about 4 and a 1/2 hrs..but im reeeealy contemplating skipping...bc im sick..*cough cough* but i really am getting the symptoms..dont ask me why..

grr..

well hopefully ill look back on this & be like "wow...im not fucked up nemore..im a normal [insert age] girl now"


hopefully :)

Writer's Block: Comfort Food

When times are tough or you're feeling down, what's the one food you can count on to make you feel better?
if food makes you feel "better" i think thats a problem...
my 21st bday is coming

n i am sooooooooooooo excited

eee!

Writer's Block: Full Moon Fever

It's the full moon today. Almost every culture has its share of lunar lore, from werewolves to lunacy to true love. Do you believe that the full moon affects our behavior or do you think it's a myth?


possibly...me & my bf...always get it massive fights on a full moon...tonight. not so much.

so...

who's the person you complain to about you're bf when ur bf is the only person you talk to?

fuck my life.

w/ every lil piece of my h e a r t

i want to be victoria's secret angel

please Jesus please Jesus please!!!

lol

i want a cigarette

there is a point in life when you just want to give up

on everything

& at this point i have realized that i have great friends

NOT

seriously...do i even have friends...i feel like the only person i'm close to is my boyfriend...& that is not by choice

i love my girls..but they're so distant...we're not on the same page it seems

[it's been forever...well 93weeks since i've written on this damn thing]

& i feel lonely

i go on facebook. nothing

myspace. nothing

not that comments = friendship but...i am definitely not feelin the love. ya get me?

it's just hard ya know...the girls used to be blowin up the telephono like no tomorrow askin for advice...i used to LOVE that...it makes you feel special to realize that someone values your opinion...

now the only opinions i value are cosmo mag & tv.

those are my friends...never let me down. always there when i need um

next thing i want to befriend are cigs...gross i kno...but i'm craving that menthal flavor i taste when i'm drunk...xtremely drunk...& i decide to smoke a ciggy...& it feels so good in my throat...a pack of menthal camals..blue & black...i want one right now.

but for what? i don't fucking smoke. ha

goals:
work @ MAC cosmetics
get everyones xmas present
get good grades this semester

i think these things can happen

well time to do a diy facial

<333

&&& i want to be beautiful

hmm...

...stupid & childish yes...

BUT

i do miss my boyfriend even though he's been gone for one day.

saw Factory girl last night...

i wish i was Edie...when she was @ the top of the world..everyones idol. Andy Warhol's besfriend & muse.

to be a muse!

"oh...i'd just be naked all the time" i told Sharon...lol

sometimes i think about throwing my futures away...& taking hardcore drugs...

don't you?

damn...

i wish i wasn't such a fucking idiot.

so what?

he didn't love me

i know i know.

i built it up sooo much in my mind & talked to everyone & their mother about it.

but in the end..thats not what he wanted to tell me.

& when he didn't,

i cried.

ha. yeah.

i dun kno...i wasn't going to say it back...but i wasn't not going to say it..ya kno?

now in my mind...i know he doesn't love me.

he likes me.

yes.

but doesn't love me.

i think i just wanted him to love me sooo much cuz everyone else around me is in that beautiful blinding undying sort of sickening aspect of love.

but it's ok.

love will come around

do i want to be in love anyway?

YES.

why not?

it'll make everything...

TRUE.

honest.real.plausible.amazing.wonderful.meaningful.sweet.wholesome.

but it's ok.

my heart isn't broken but i just wish...w/ all of it...that he uttered those three really crazy complex words to me...i SWEAR i feel it when i'm drunk.

& one day when we're tipsy...laughing and talking...it'll slip out...i promise you.

& i'll be lookin a fool...

we wait for sumone to tell us they love us for sooo long...but when we realize what we're getting ourselves into..we don't want them to mention it.

it's like this(i told Caitlin):

teenage couple...fuck like bunnies. girl gets prego. uh oh. they're scared shitless. the scandel. oh well. months go by..its a secret. but damn. she looses it. i mean thats a good thing right? (well not good.) but they look @ each other & say. "i kinda wanted it"

thats what him NOT saying i love u feels like.

<3